Truth is within ourselves; it takes no rise
From outward things, whate’er you may believe
There is an inmost centre in us all,
Where truth abides in fullness…and to know
Rather consists in opening out a way
Whence the imprisoned splendour may escape….
–Robert Browning, Paracelsus
With the waters of life flowing full speed ahead, my mind is wandering … looking for that next project to fill up the time … teach me something new … show me where I’m supposed to be … waste a little time.
There’s always a reason, an excuse, to feel lost. The move, a lost love, a change in jobs, being away from family. And yet, I stay here … feeling lost.
Someone once told me that I was looking in all these places for the answers when deep down I already knew. And here I sit reading another book but instead of looking at it as the answer, it is the tool to allow myself to sit, to breathe, to feel it all – to meditate.
Passage Meditation by Eknath Easwaran even has the text: “Bringing the deep wisdom of the heart into daily life” written on the cover. Sounds so simple, so beautiful.
Quieting the mind enough to hear what the heart says and truly listening is quite the challenge for someone that thrives on productivity. The yoga studio recently started offering meditation classes and each time it’s different: chanting, mudras, silence, sometimes sitting up so straight and grounded, other times laying down and relaxing so deeply that I fall asleep. Either way, I suppose I’m getting whatever it is that I need.
But still it doesn’t seem to be enough … for whatever reason that seems to be the centering theme in my life. Why am I not enough for the people that come in (and often out of my life) … why isn’t that enough for me? It’s heartbreaking to not be able to get to the root of understanding why ‘Where I am at’ and ‘Who I am’ at this present moment is not enough. The honesty and vulnerability in being ok with it and watching the door close on another connection makes me question everything.
Why is the 10% of attention from someone better than nothing when the 10% means the person is emotionally unavailable? And why is it I can only find someones who are only willing to put in 10%? Does that mean I’m not truly ready or there’s some lesson still to be learned? On my mat, I’m reminded that I’m exactly where I need to be … but this place is getting old, it’s lonely and my heart still hurts.
So I will continue to sit here … not focusing on the thoughts coming in and out of my head telling me it’s not enough. I’ll allow my mind to focus in on the mantra … to let it be … and see what falls away.
In light & love …